Thursday, December 04, 2008

When I Slows Down, I Falls Asleep

God. I like to think that I have a personal God, some kind of benevolent grandfather like figure peering over my shoulder helping me out with life. But some days I’m not so sure. I just can’t see the grandfather type letting the world go to hell like this.

Does this mean there is no God? Does it mean he’s less of a benevolent grandfather and more of a switch swinging pissed off father? Or maybe it means there is a God but he’s not personally interested in me. Instead he’s just “out there” watching while I make a mess of his handiwork.

I go to church regularly. I teach Sunday school, am the secretary of our church’s women’s group, develop and maintain our website and give the children’s sermon several times a year. I also do, from scratch, every week, the presentation that puts the Sunday pictures, songs, birthdays, prayers and scriptures up on the big screen for everyone to see.

I do all this for no monetary compensation and I also have a full-time, paying job. In addition, I have my husband Marvin. He is very self-sufficient, but he deserves time with me when I am not in a semi-coma from church, work and another group I am involved with.

I’m exhausted just reading the list of things to do and I’m thinking that it’s not that I don’t believe in God. I’m thinking it’s that I’m so tired doing his work that I’m a little pissed off myself. I’m too tired and don’t feel I have time to do the stuff that puts you closer to a higher power.

I don’t pray in the morning like I used to. I still pray but it’s quick and half the time I’m still in bed half asleep instead of on my knees. I have the same problem at night. When I’m that tired I forget the people I want to pray for. I also forget the things I wasn’t very happy about when I did them, so I can’t reflect on how I might avoid doing them again.

I don’t meditate like I used to. I still read my meditation books but it’s not in the morning in my study with a cup of coffee before I go to work. It’s at work, on line, whenever I have a minute between phone calls and agent requests. Somehow when I read this, it that doesn’t sound like quiet time.

So maybe God is just “out there” watching while I make a little mess. He knows I have the tools for a full spiritual life with him but I’m just not using them very well right now. Now that I think of it, that could apply to our entire planet. Maybe he is out there waiting for us all to get our heads out of our collective asses so we can take some time to meditate on his take on life.

I think I’m going to have to give up a few things that are eating up my time so I can gain something better.


Poppy said...

You know way better than I do that life has its ups and downs, its busy times and slow times, its times where we have time to reflect on our wonder lives and times where we're holding on as tight as we can while life flies by with no regard for its passengers.

I think you're on the express train right now. Advice from one person to another, rather than a daughter to her mother: Make time for that morning meditation. Just do it. Once a week, at least. You'll feel better. Life is fast because we let it be. Let go of something you don't have to hold. :)

(You make me say good things, Mom.)

Bobbird3131 said...

Yes, you do say good things. Thanks. I know what I'm giving up.